childhood myths

Today I picked up a small child from primary school, and took him to the park. Not for free, of course. Passing the ice-cream van he asked why children get chicken pox if they have too much raspberry sauce on their ice-creams. Automatically I desperately began to invent some crazy tale about hormones and red blood cells when I suddenly stopped. Perhaps slightly too abruptly, I simply said:

"I don't know who told you that, small child (I am very conscientiously not revealing his name) but it is wrong. Either they are very misinformed or someone is trying to trick you"

He simply looked a bit dissapointed at my lack of creativity and continued chewing on his Ben 10 (Ben Ten, Ben10, BenTen?) rucksack, but by now I was begginning to feel indignant.

"I don't know why adults continue to lie to kids," I reeled, "I mean, think of all the embarrasment that would never have been felt. It's just an impulse, a laziness and something we should change". I emphasised the "we" and nudged his shoulder in an attempt to stir up some sort of enthuthiasm. Nothing.
But I feel a magnificent-Daisy-list coming on, so:

1) I used to have an irrational disdain (not hatred or anything near, merely a vague feeling of superiority towards Scottish school children). O why, you may ponder.
Becuase for years everytime I asked why the clocks changed the answer was because the Scottish school children want to walk to school in the light.
My response was, of course, the selfish little things. Needing to change the time of the whole of the country for a whole 6 months so they can see the sun when the go to school. Did it ever occur to them to start the schools later in the winter? apparently not. It wasn't untill embarrassingly recently I learnt the truth.

2) Untill I was about nine I really really really wanted to drive to france. Just so I could see the fish through the channel tunnel. Seeing the bottom of a real ocean would easily make up for the overcrowded eurocampsite, and all from the comfort of the car.
(I don't know if anyone actually told me the tunnel was glass, or if I just assumed it)

3) My nursery teacher told my friend off once for picking her nose in the sandpit, and explained she was actually picking her brain and so "forgetting your alphabet". I became so paranoid I made sure I ate every bogey I picked for about a year to keep it in my system. What a pointless lie.

4) My dad said spinach made you strong like popeye. I still secretly get a tiny bit worried every time I eat spinach that I am going to go bald.

5) and finally, because I am getting bored and I'm sure you are, I thought the car indicators showed my mum which way to turn. To be fair, she had pointed at the little arrows and explained seriously that "they show which way you are turning". Easy mistake to make.

So as I trudged beside my charge to the park, I told him that these things weren't true. He seemed slightly bewildered, but it's all for his own good. HE will never be left feeling apprehesive when meeting Scottish cousins or check his hair after every spinach and pasta meal.

Later this afternoon, on the way home, he kicked a car, just like that. I told him the police would see him. He said that his his mum said there aren't prisons for small people. I said wouldnt he feel sad if someone kicked his car? He said he'd have a car kicking party with all his friends if he had a car. He added he wanted a super jet one. He kicked the car again.
Well, I said, that is a super jet car. Actually it's the blue power ranger's car and he has special bullets for anyone who kicks it. "Oh" he said respectfully, and edged away from the car. And that was that.